The other is nothing but the sum total of all your fears. That is the one to ignore, completely.
I am not advocating that you discard healthy fears - I would never suggest sticking a fork in an electrical outlet; that is a very healthy fear.
I am talking about the easy schmuck. The one that fears to show what resides inside. We wear masks and fear having the mask taken away.
The mask limits you. And in return it doesn't protect you from anything but life and enjoying yourself.
Fuck it, fuck that...fuck you.
When I was in fifth grade I was tapped for a solo spot in a choir show. My voice cracked. I was mortified.
One bad note and I wanted to shrink and hide.
Why? What the fuck for?
I am human, and freely admit it; so why pretend to be infallible?
About ten years ago I learned to tell my fears, the irrational and silly ones, to go fuck themselves.
I started wearing shit I would never have been caught dead in before - it just wasn't cool. That perception of what is cool has changed dramatically.
What is cool is authenticity.
Dylan's voice sucks. So does Springsteen's. So many of my absolute favorite musicians have various flaws and faults. Who am I to pretend to be better than that group? Whatta schmuck.
Parenthetically, I have a decent voice. Not great, but serviceable.
A year ago I got to play a number with a guy I consider a friend. He graciously accommodated me with a simple tune and a solo in the middle. He was talking to someone and absently doing the chords, so I began to noodle around. He asked if I was soloing already...we laughed and began the song.
In the audience were people who had been present in my fifth grade recital as well as many good friends...and my mother. She had tried to console me forty years earlier.
A) We nailed the song.
B) When the first chorus came up, I belted it out, and nailed it. There was no fear, no thought of the past, I was in the moment playing, doing what I love. And it showed.
C) The solo was secondary, what mattered was we sounded good, really good.
Nothing about it was perfect, but I was able to show myself to thirty people and not fear that.
No comments:
Post a Comment