Alone In A Desert

Where no one lives but my thoughts.
Where no one cares but me.
Where the inconvenient things of life become issues and divides.
Where time stands still or seems to.

It is empty but me.
It is too bright to see.

I am too warm to feel at ease.

Cannot sit and rest.
Cannot forge ahead.

So I sit and think anyway.

New Horizons

My New Endeavor

I have rolled my first cigar and am sharing the experience on the new blog.
Sharing, being what it means to me...this is special.

I Am...Am I

Innocent
Unknowing
Naive
Trusting
Loyal
Faithful
Gullible
Silly
Stoopid
Not Apologetic at all, but willing to work at it since I am a work in progress.

West Side Sadness

Xikar EX Lighter Brushed Silver

Xikar started with the smaller accessories. Cutters, picks and the like. Then they decided to expand into lighters, humidifiers, humidors, et cetera.

When I decided to try cigar smoking, the first thing I found out was a run of the mill Bic wasn't going to cut it. The cost adds up and I have a callous from using Bics - enough is more than too much.

The word was, "torch." A blue flamed lighter that burns at 2500 degrees F.
The 'Cigar Elite' have decided that you need this hot, hot flame to toast the foot of the smoke and then to actually light it.

Torches have their place, no doubt. But for me, most of the time I am lighting a pipe and then an occasional cigar. The trouble with a Bic is they do not light every time. They blow out in the wind. And the are disposable with which I have a philosophical problem.

I bought a cheap torch ($10) and it worked fairly well, other than the need to depress the ignition button several times before it would light. But it really had only the one use for me.

I decided to look for a quality lighter. I knew if I pursued cigars I would be replacing the $10 lighter twice a year. I firmly believe in the adage - you get what you pay for. (Although you have to find the true quality)

Xikar was one of the names that was repeated in the categories of "service," "quality," & "warranty."
Hands on, substantive & lifetime. Okay, I'll investigate.
Their lighters range in price from $30 to over $150.

But one of them caught my eye. Aesthetically as well as functionally. Why?
It looks like a Zippo and has a "Candle Flame." It's not a torch. I can light my pipe or my cigar. I can take it on a plane...something you cannot do with a torch.

It's hefty. Has a flip top...I dunno why. Other than to keep the element (a titanium coil ignites the butane) clean, protected.

Rather than a tiny, ill fitting plastic ring to adjust the flame height like the cheap torch had, this has an easily turned large knurled knob. It also has a slot if your are nerd enough to adjust by the millimeter and tool.

Oh, and it lights every freaking time. EVERY FREAKING TIME?!
I adjusted the flame up & down. Lowest to the highest...it lit each and every time.
And it is not wind resistant...it is WIND PROOF.
Blow on it as hard as you like. Hold it at any angle. It lights and stays lit.

As to it's use lighting a cigar? It's perfect for me. I have no snobbery...I remove a ring, I smell them more than I smoke them. It is truly something to just plain enjoy in and of itself.
I would like to, at some point time lighting with soft flame versus a torch.
I think the torch is more an affectation of the dapper dans out there.

I ordered it on a Sunday and received it that Thursday.
Xikar seems to be a very small organization based in Missouri that found a vendor in China they could deal with. They hold standards well worth the price.

And that leads to my next venture.
I am trying my hand at hand rolling my own brand of cigars.
Boyarka Brand - BB

Watch this space.

I Miss

Balconies
Being read to in bed
Laughing in bed
Jumping up & down
TEAM
LIST

These...all were deep and moving.

I yam what I yam, never denied it.

Fuck 2016

Too many good things have ended or died or withered.
Time for new beginnings.

Bowie
Prince
Merle Haggard
Maurice White
Paul Kanter
Glenn Frey

Mark Sloan 1968 - 2012

Blather

Don't hit me unless you mean it.
Don't make me turn away.

I don't want to be here.
I want to be home.

I don't want the mis-talk.
In face or telephone.

There ain't nothing to be done, I just need to up & run.


(Fragments of songs in my head from 2009)

Harry, My Man...

Kobe Bryant

Yeah
Yay
Woohoo

Kobe, you are a very talented ball player. Timing, hand-eye coordination, footwork, speed...all above the norm.
Michael Jordan was the last pure talent like Kobe.

But neither was close to Ervin Magic Johnson.

Magic had physical talents galore, a loping gait that threw people off rhythm, hands of an Olympian, the drive and tenacity of a champion and yet they were not his strongest force. Magic had a brain.
Magic had more brains in those huge hands of his than many MIT graduates.

Forget his behind the back passes, the now-you-see-the-ball-now-you-see-the-ball-gone move, forget that loping run of his. It was so out of rhythm people would lean with him.

With seconds to go at the end of a championship game in which the Lakers had been working very hard to win, Magic took the in-bound pass and was trapped in the back court. On no?!
He gently rolled the ball down the court...bounce...bounce...et cetera...It meandered down the length of the court and the clock ran out.
No super play, just snatching a win by using his brains.

Time and again, he proved that his greatest asset was his smarts. Chick Hearn (God love him) referred to Magic as the "on court general."

The way he dealt with HIV and survived, no thrived. His myriad business deals. The man is a genius, with huge Olympian hands.


Bye Kobe.

The Best Way...

To get someone to care for you is to care for someone else. Open your heart.

I went to the sandwich shop and got my lunch. On the way out the door I met Floyd.
Floyd is a 93 year old WWII veteran, cigarette in hand and a smile to boot.

He saw an alligator on my shirt and we began talking about his early life in Louisiana. His fishing, his grandparents, his heart attacks and his prayers.
They were all answered, so Floyd is one grateful man.

"Which way are you going?" asked Floyd.
After a bit of discussion I figured out where he needed to go and happily took him there.

He spoke of life and hardship. He was speaking to me.
As we arrived at his destination, he smiled a toothless grin and gave me his thanks.

And my heart was filled.

Brigadoon

In a perfect world

Back On Track

Mental fortitude is everything now.
Having the right smile is important. And then...

Something internal balances itself and the pain eases. And then...
A gig...two...band? And then...

Hello!
And then...

Long Roads

I am weary but cannot sleep.

The road is before me but I cannot see it.

I talk to myself but no I don't want to listen.

Cigars & Sherlock

He was right you know?

Sherlock said smoking allowed him the time and space to think.

To impress a girl I liked in 1972 I took the proffered cigarette and smoked for the next fifteen years. Then at the age of thirty three I quit.

This year the wife goes to Florida attending a union function. She brings home a cigar.
What can it hurt? You do not inhale, you smoke many fewer...how bad can this be?

Well, it is another addiction to be sure. Although the reasoning behind it is different. A cigarettes allure is that it calms you...relaxes you. It is a false promise as the satisfaction is incredibly short lived and so you need a constant stream to maintain that perceived level of calm.

A cigar, at least a "real" one, takes an hour to consume and enforces solitude since no one wants to be near you, except another smoker.
You think.
Some of you may look at your smartphone...ah well. I cannot save everyone.

But if you are like me, you take a drink...a book and yourself.
And you immerse yourself in whatever for that hour.

I tend to smell them a lot. They provoke memories. My grandfather's brother always had a cigar in his mouth. Two of my summer job bosses as a kid smoked cigars. Sargent Rock always had a stub of a cigar clamped between his teeth as he charged into the fray.

And now I know why they also had little brown patches in the corners of their mouths. Or why they always seemed to be on the verge of drooling.

And then I realize, like beer or any other acquired taste, there is an age when it becomes the thing to try. You turn fifty and want a motorcycle.

And I think I am at that age (60) where if it kills me in thirty years...so be it, right?

Encore

And you have nothing left to play.

Slow Motion Crash

When you are sad the world turns grey.

What's weird this time for me, is that I am hyper aware the azure sky is just blue. That the air is filling my lungs but nothing more.

You know your appetite diminishes. And your sleep habits are disrupted.
But the rest of the world becoming blah is usually something unnoticed. You feel it, but you do not smell it, or see it until a new light enters your life.

I don't want to do anything. Nothing interests me...not my guitar, not a book, nor good food.

I am looking forward to the next light that fills my heart and lungs with the smells that allow me to live.

This is strangely different.
Age or just the accumulated scars showing?

Yo Caesar

Beware the fucking Ides of March.

Inner

Find some strength instead of looking for weakness.

My love of mankind my strength, my dislike of men my smallness.

Donald John Trump

Bombshells first.

It is not hyperbole to compare The Donald to Herr Hitler. Both Fascism and Communism work upon the "cult of the personality." Does The Donald subscribe to "cult of the personality?" Without a doubt.

The Donald uses racism, misogyny, nationalistic xenophobia as a staple of his campaign rhetoric.

"An 'extremely credible source' has called my office and told me that Barack Obama's birth certificate is a fraud."

 “You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”

“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bring crime. They’re rapists… And some, I assume, are good people.”

“If I were running ‘The View’, I’d fire Rosie O’Donnell. I mean, I’d look at her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say ‘Rosie, you’re fired.’”

And yet he resonates with a significant portion of the electorate. Perhaps as high as 40%
He is the Howard Beale (Network 1976) of the day.

"I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore."

Some humans have a need to belong to a group...a strong group. The people to whom this appeals have a low threshold of fear. They see boogeymen around every corner and under every bed. They fear the loss of the title, "majority."
Or they have a specific target and the candidate stokes that fire of hate without ever specifying which boogeyman they mean - after all, it might be a voter.

There is a large part of this country that is still fighting the Civil War. They do not believe in rights for all American regardless of race, religion sex et cetera. And they have learned that tool called 'obstruction,' is one of the most effective.
They can appear rational and reasonable and yet all they are doing is trying to deny rights to Black people, Brown people, Asian people, Female people and so on.
Just look at the support each of those groups offer to Trump. Minimal at best.

I understand why he is running as I view him as a huge egotist. We are feeding him. This will spawn several books even if he never gets within walking distance of the White House.

But why people do not recognize that supporting The Donald is antithetical to everything that would be in their best interests eludes me. The Donald does not care one whit for you, mister and missus supporter. If you live or die he doesn't care. If your life improves or declines he does not care.

To be fair, neither does Hillary or Bernie, but their standard causes are more aligned with what we as people need for better lives. It is the reason for government - to provide for the people.

Come with me, now. Forward.


P.S. The election season is FAR too long. Limit it to one month prior to the election. If you cannot find out what you need to know about a candidate to make an informed decision in thirty days there is another issue lurking.

Pithy Wisdom

A rushed meal is fast food.
(This applies to everything)

Allow the artist the time to create a feast.

Listen to your inner critic and then fire them.

Practice.
(Think Karate Kid - endless repetition for muscle memory)

Change your inner strings daily.

Diversify.

Muddy roads lead to dirty feet.

Water cleanses the soul, too.

More practice.

Make time to be still.
Still of mind and heart.

Movement does not require thought.
But it helps to keep your eyes and ears open.

You make you own way...in luck, love and life.

PC Matters - Thermaltake 650 W Power Supply

My computer is close to six years old. The video card is the weak link.

The manufacturer (ATI Radeon) no longer supports it with new drivers. I began looking around, the cheapest replacement I could find was nearly two hundred dollars. The performance increase would be negligible leaving the card as the weak link still.  Not a good place to be.

A pal of mine recently offered to give me an unused video card that he has lying about.
This is a real boon. The unused card he offered cost in the neighborhood of four hundred dollars...or if he upgrades the card he is using now, I can have the current one.
He paid more than six hundred dollars for that. That's almost as much as I paid for the entire system.

This exposed another issue. The three hundred watt power supply that came with the computer was inadequate. The video card required a four hundred fifty watt power supply at the minimum.

This same pal then found a six hundred fifty watt Thermaltake power supply listed at Newegg.

1 x ($62.99) Thermaltake SMART Series SP-650PCBUS 650W ATX 12V 2.3 SLI Ready CrossFire Ready 80 PLUS BRONZE Certified Active PFC Power Supply

Subtotal:	$62.99
Tax:	$5.67
Shipping and Handling:	$4.99
Total Amount:	$73.65

In my mind I ran through the instructions for removing and replacing the power supply. Three days after I placed the order the item arrived.

I was ready and rarin' to go.

Except for the fact that the instructions were printed in a grey color in a very small font which meant I used a magnifier to read my way through, the operation was a resounding success. 

Even though the computer is over five years old the technology for power supply connectors has advanced to the point where if you have a motherboard that accepts a twenty pin main connector the extra four pins actually break off to accommodate your older board.

My CPU uses a four pin connector so I broke the standard eight pin connector along the serrated line and installed it.
The hardest part is my sausage fingers trying to install keyed connectors at strange angles in close quarters. A nice hemostat provided the dexterity I required.

The old power supply.

The new power supply with no dressing of the cables, yet. I just shoved the floopy and SATA cables into the drive bay. And the PCI-E cables which the new video card will need with the red connectors are just laying at the bottom of the case.

I Love Mankind, It's The People I can't Stand

I mean it.
Love man. There is hope and beauty and love and joy.

I hate people.
Detest civilization. There is war and greed and poverty and pain.

Charles Schultz was a philosophical genius couched in line drawings.

A Love Letter To A Dream

To Be Announced

Life

Some fucker turned the snow globe on its head.
There is dust everywhere.
Snow to the observer.

I am climbing and feeling my strength.
The strain is a benefit.
The stretching, the learning.

Mountain Climbing.
Misty Mountains.

Sore foot, fleet feet.
Mind is reeling and still the grip on the handle is firm.
Oxymoronic, sophomoric and in a stupor.

Phuck it.
Damned good to go.

I See

God shows beauty and I look for dirt.
Take the gift and thank the Heavens.

Because there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for.
Look up and down and side to side. But do not assume the world follows the axis you can see.

I Am

Smiles and missing teeth.
Skipping with abandon. A first pair of adult shoes...heels.
Too much OCD.
Cookies, candy and hot cheetos. Red lips and fingers.

Growing into adulthood.
The hair is wild and so is the heart. Purple or orange.

The caretakers too. They smile and have hair but not as much fun. This I see.

Clouds and trees witness the day and tell of the events.
Let's play.

Our Aging

And the people we lose along the way.

Dallas Taylor
Glenn Frey
Bowie
Adam Roth

It says more about us that we lament the loss of great music more than actors or other public figures of culture. Perhaps only writers are afforded the same sadness and respect that a musician engenders with their passing.

We know of their talent and that the voice is now stilled. We may revisit old favorites but new material is not forthcoming.
(Unless you are Margaret Atwood - she plans ahead)
And I vehemently dislike the practice of releasing material that was not intended by the artist for public consumption.

Musicians are probably closest to poets in the translation of feelings into lyrics or chord progressions.

Call Me Ginsburg and Howl With Me.

So now I must reconcile my mortality and that of everything I know and love.
At this point, I am still an angry young man. I say - fuck that.
Music endures.
Even if there is no one to hear it.

Bowie

He was one of those artists who rubbed you one way or another. Good or ill.

I have a knee jerk dislike of new music. I have to concentrate and listen to appreciate new sounds that I cannot anticipate and be in sync with.

Warren Raab had just found the album Ziggy Stardust and the Spyders from Mars.
Album art or even book art affects me greatly and this cover was no different. I felt an immediate fascination with this orange-pated "person" who sang of the End Times. Who sang of young love in the future or the past. Time had little bearing.

The music was transparent, although Mick Ronson became a favorite guitar player very soon after discovery of the record.

But the lyrics and the melodies...they took me.
Deposited me in places I had not explored, only had a vague sensation of presence.

The Thin White Duke
David Jones
Ziggy Stardust
Bowie

I am saddened but not surprised that he kept his illness a private thing. As much as he shared he kept secret.

I remember watching a 70s documentary about him and being very impressed with his love of art. He wasn't a rocker as much as a performance artist who happened to grow up during Rock & Roll's infancy. He took to the music because it was what he marinated in.

Alladin Sane
Sigh

As

Fleeting as a mountain.
Permanent as clouds.

Ups and downs are just the wobble of the toy, not malice.

2016

Gud Gawd.
WE MADE IT!!!